The self is a very strange thing... We're all giant balls of happiness, sadness, honesty, liar, knight, thief, king, and beggar. And not even in some static quality -- its a dynamic mix that you consciously and unconsciously bias towards one group of attributes and away from the others. Thats the beauty of individuality... it cant be adequately described, it just is.
The biggest problem I had in getting a sense of where my "edges" were in trying to feel myself out was trying to statically define who I was. I had an idea of what I wanted to be like, being the escapist I was -- Guyver. But there were things I did that were 180 degrees from the things guyver would be doing. In the end you're really a big ball of both, with a tendency to lean towards what you'd like to be. But what we want to be changes as we change in moving towards it, so you're forever in that grey median area. Its Heisenberg, in a way -- you change in trying to find your position.
Similarly, there are moments of lucidity where you can see the path and see the goal, and moments of confusion where the path effectively disappears. You just have to keep on plowing with no regrets. You have to pull a chainsaw from the ether, and start cutting away. To hell with the well marked path, cut your own.
If you cut your own path, you are (or will soon be) who you choose to be.
Ah yes, the losing of identity. Or, rather, the realizationt aht you haven't had an identity for the last 5 yeras of your life. IT SUCKS ASS. Anyway... uh... if you're anything like me, it was brought around by the realization that you have no fucking clue what you want, and that you no longer have your own voice, or ever did. all I can say is, after a few weeks of it, you realize the problem, and you start to work on the solution, which is to assert yourself. Personally, that's about when I started taking prozac... so I don't really have any clear advice.
Oh yeah, a few more probably useless comments. You have to learn that identity is nothing but the combination of attributes to create something, so every person is mereley a combination, in the same way that a lifeform is merely a combination of DNA. Or something. Oh, and as for childhood trauma, just try to think of it this way: You know you're life can never be as bad as it was then, so you have nowhere to go but up. It makes me a strange combination of cynical and optimistic. Just scream about it some more on livejournal, that'll help a bit. Good luck finding yourself.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2000-12-25 11:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2000-12-26 07:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2000-12-26 08:12 am (UTC)Cheers...
no subject
Date: 2000-12-26 10:18 am (UTC)-Goethe
no subject
Date: 2000-12-26 10:36 am (UTC)The biggest problem I had in getting a sense of where my "edges" were in trying to feel myself out was trying to statically define who I was. I had an idea of what I wanted to be like, being the escapist I was -- Guyver. But there were things I did that were 180 degrees from the things guyver would be doing. In the end you're really a big ball of both, with a tendency to lean towards what you'd like to be. But what we want to be changes as we change in moving towards it, so you're forever in that grey median area. Its Heisenberg, in a way -- you change in trying to find your position.
Similarly, there are moments of lucidity where you can see the path and see the goal, and moments of confusion where the path effectively disappears. You just have to keep on plowing with no regrets. You have to pull a chainsaw from the ether, and start cutting away. To hell with the well marked path, cut your own.
If you cut your own path, you are (or will soon be) who you choose to be.
...Hopefully thisll make sense to ya.
no subject
Date: 2000-12-26 03:01 pm (UTC)I remember that time in my life...
Date: 2000-12-26 02:56 pm (UTC)Re: I remember that time in my life...
Date: 2000-12-26 03:00 pm (UTC)